Today is Veterans Day. Some of you may or may not know that I am a U.S. Veteran. And for this day set aside to honor Vet’s, I will tell the story of why I write now. I’m not going to candy-coat it like some stories I’ve heard because soldiers can steal valor too and I won’t be a part of that. I’m in the U.S. Army Reserves, I have been since 2008. I stayed reserve side for personal reasons, mainly my daughter. I am not OEF OIF, I don’t wear a patch on my right shoulder (for those of you who know what that means). When people would see me trying to walk in uniform with my cane, walker or when I was in a wheelchair, they would come up to me with these huge smiles then express their concern for me. Then they would all ask the same thing, “Did you get shot/blown up in Iraq/Afghanistan?” Their awe and concern would instantly disappear when I said, “No, I broke my spine at Ft. McCoy, WI.” Then they would just tell me good luck and walk away. I was born with depression but the doctors I had when I was younger taught me ways to deal with it but, they had no way of preparing me for the existence and hell I was going through after I got injured. It still spins around in my head and will never become a scar because what I felt will never heal. Imagine you are surrounded by family and friends, then you fall while carrying 10 gallons of water and try to catch yourself only you hear a loud crack instead. Then you loose your balance because you are still falling and land with your spine on a large piece of granite and hear another loud crack as the filled water cans hammer your spine into the rock. Then all that they do while you’re in shock and try to move is say, “Man, you look like you gotta take a shit.” And that’s all, no doctor, no hospital, no concern. That happened 31May2012. A few months ago, I was finally able to see a physical therapist, before they actually found out what was wrong with me, and I told her how my body went completely numb. She said that it was my brain turning off my pain receptors so my body doesn’t go into shock. Do any of you have any idea of what it’s like to not feel anything, not even the wind, it’s the most haunting thing imaginable because when that happened, I thought i was a ghost. I had to be, I couldn’t feel anything and most of the other soldiers paid no attention to me as if I wasn’t there. That shit still creeps me out thinking about it. Our commander cared a whole lot about us taking a survey but didn’t care about the soldier that had to crawl to reach water. No one cared. The storm of being disabled without any kind of help destroyed my life. When I was able to think through the pain, I would try to kill myself but was too weak to accomplish the task. I begged every hospital, every clinic and even my own unit for help but they ALL said no. I was even tossed out of the local emergency room back in Texas. Civilian side said they can’t help because it’s the military’s problem and the military said, “Damn! That looks painful. You need to see a doctor. Why don’t you go to the E.R.” Every one passed the buck and their collective laziness and disregard destroyed my family. I spent almost a year and a half wanting death, then my son was born and finding help just became a dream. I had to fight my way though hell and some how pull myself up, alone, without any help. There is more to it but that is just too personal. My fight was now to clean up the mess that was my life. When I changed focus from trying to find help to “FUCK YOU ALL, I’LL HELP MYSELF” then help started to arrive, in small doses of course. I researched different things I could do to help me walk again and it help for a while my emotional state was still ruined. That’s why I started writing my stories and working on my books, It gave me some kind of self worth and I will write til I die. I incorporate some of what I went through in my stories in such a way that the readers won’t be able to tell but it’s there. When I finally got to see a REAL doctor (who didn’t give a shit at first, just like the rest) he found out exactly what was wrong with me. I had SIJ, where my hip was not connected to my sacral joints ( not connected to my spine), as far off as it was, my doctor said there was no way I should have been able to stand, but I did. Then he found that one of my sacral joints had a disk instead of being fused together like a normal person, and it was crushed. On top of that, I have a nerve wrapped around it so surgery was not an option. For now I get 2 injections at a time but I can do that forever, you can only have so many a year. As for my role in my unit, I’m in medical limbo. I can’t leave the Army and the Army can’t leave me until they find that I’m stable which might actually happen next year. I have been put through hell but you know what, I would sign those papers again willingly because I know what it means to be a United States Veteran. People can say what they want about our military but in the end, we are willing to give our lives in the name of freedom and that’s what this day is about, honoring those that accept that challenge and responsibility. Happy Veterans Day
side note: This really happened and that’s not even close to all I went through. I am able to stand and walk now. I’m not writing for sympathy because with it’s absence, I grew to despise it. I don’t really care what people think about it, as a human being I deserve the right to tell my story and be heard for once.
j.r.fate 